You're Not a Perfect Father. That's Good News. (ft. J Hall, Writer)

In this episode I welcome J Hall. J is a father of four (2 daughters, 2 sons), a podcaster, and an author. He recently released a book titled “God Help Me! I'm a Young Dad: 10 Essentials for Becoming the Dad Your Kids Need.” We dive into the inspiration for his book and what he’s learned from raising girls.

LINKS

Book, Podcast, and more about J
https://www.jhallwriter.com/


Thank you to J for sharing his journey and for being part of Girl Dad Nation.

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Transcript

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00:00:00:04 - 00:00:24:23
Matthew Krekeler
Welcome to Girl Dad Nation. In this episode, I welcome J Hall. J is the author of 'God Help Me! I'm a Young Dad: 10 Essentials for Becoming the Dad Your Kids Need.' It was great getting to talk to him about what inspired the book and the important lessons he's learned. Let's get to it.

00:00:28:07 - 00:00:29:13
Matthew Krekeler
J, welcome to the show.

00:00:30:05 - 00:00:31:10
J Hall
Thanks, Matthew. Excited to be here.

00:00:32:10 - 00:00:51:07
Matthew Krekeler
Thank you so much. Yeah, you reached out to me via my email, which is great. I love connecting with other dads, especially dads of daughters who just are passionate about what they do want to share their journey of fatherhood. And you also wrote a book. It's titled God Help Me. I'm a Young Dad ten Essentials for Becoming the Dad.

00:00:51:07 - 00:01:04:09
Matthew Krekeler
Your Kids Need. Yeah. So, yeah, I really enjoyed getting to preview that book. And yeah. Want to talk to you about what inspired your book and your wisdom that you've learned along the way.

00:01:05:10 - 00:01:28:09
J Hall
I hope there's actual wisdom along the way that the inspiration for the book really came about a year ago when I found out that I was going to be a grandfather. So my kids are a little further down the road than yours. My oldest son let us know last September that they were going to have a baby and had that moment that maybe lots of dads have when they find out that's happening.

00:01:29:03 - 00:01:47:01
J Hall
I started thinking about my son as a dad for the first time and all of the things I wanted to be sure that he knew. And I hoped that I had told him or shown him or taught him along the way. But you never know if they catch all of it or if we actually taught everything that we'd hoped to.

00:01:47:14 - 00:02:08:14
J Hall
So we're kind of a letter writing family. And so I thought, I'll just write some of it down. I'm not going to sit down and prepare lectures for him, but I'll write some of it down and just share it with him. And he can do with it whatever he wants. And as I started thinking about writing it down, I started thinking about all these other young men who are in our lives who are also beginning the season of fatherhood.

00:02:08:14 - 00:02:28:14
J Hall
So lots of my son's friends, friends, the children of our friends who are beginning to have kids of their own. And so I thought, well, if I'm going to write it down for him as well, write it down for everybody. And that led to a good deal of procrastination where I thought about it and didn't do anything with it.

00:02:28:22 - 00:02:52:09
J Hall
And then had some free time towards the beginning of this year in 2023 and sat down in about four weeks. I wrote it, kind of got everything down and then went through the whole process of putting it together and book design and cover design and all that. And the goal was to get it out. By the time my grandson was born, he was due on March 17th.

00:02:53:04 - 00:03:09:18
J Hall
And so the release date was March 15th. This is going to be great. And then he showed up two and a half weeks early and so Anderson showed up on March 1st, which through all of our plans off as children sometimes do, but of course March 15th and yeah. So it's out for the world now.

00:03:10:23 - 00:03:37:11
Matthew Krekeler
That's great. And then, yeah, I'll link to that in the show notes in the description. That's great that you started to think about your book in connection with your son becoming a dad. And it's really geared towards young dads, which I think is great. I kind of consider myself a young dad. My oldest is four right now, and I've already learned so much in just four years, and I feel like there's so much more still to learn.

00:03:37:20 - 00:03:57:13
Matthew Krekeler
So that's why I love having these conversations, learning from people who have kind of been through all those stages and now can sort of share their tips, tricks, maybe cautions along the way. And then, yeah, it's it's also subtitled The Ten Essentials. Yeah. Is there an overall theme to your book?

00:03:58:07 - 00:04:29:09
J Hall
I think there's a couple. One is, you know, we're in this weird space and I don't think it's new. I think maybe it's just louder than it's been where there's a lot of discouragement towards dads and particularly younger dads who are just trying to figure it out and probably aren't doing it perfectly because none of us do. And so I think a big theme of it is that, you know, you're you are uniquely gifted and equipped to be the dad your kids need.

00:04:29:21 - 00:04:52:12
J Hall
You know, God didn't mess up when he put you in your family, whatever that looks like, whether it's me. I hate the term biological children because it makes our real sound like cyborgs. But if it's, you know, your biological kids or adoption or foster or step or whatever, you're you're there on purpose and so I really wanted to encourage dads that you're doing better than you think you are.

00:04:53:04 - 00:05:13:14
J Hall
But the other big theme and the reason the book's called God Help Me, I'm a young dad, other than it's a thing that we prayed the whole time where we're having young kids and older kids, by the way, it doesn't get much better. Is this idea from a second, Peter one three where the Bible says that God gives us everything we need for life and godliness, and that includes fatherhood.

00:05:14:02 - 00:05:39:00
J Hall
And so this idea that we are uniquely empowered, we are uniquely equipped, we are uniquely strengthened for the task of fatherhood. And so throughout the book, if there's one thread that's it, that the these essentials that we talk about love and compassion and service and gratitude and whatever that all of those come from this life of faith. They come from this life of God.

00:05:39:01 - 00:05:45:00
J Hall
They're they're things that God can put in us and equip us with to, again, be the dads that our kids need.

00:05:45:14 - 00:06:01:16
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah, I love even at the beginning of the book, you talk about the perfect father and none of us humanly father are perfect. Far from it sometimes. But. But I love how you say that. That's a good thing. Could you talk about that?

00:06:02:07 - 00:06:32:20
J Hall
Absolutely. So, yeah. The first words of the book are your kids have a perfect father. It's not you. This is good news. And I think there's a couple of things there. One, it takes a little bit of the burden off of us to feel like we need to be perfect. You know, we live in this time where we we get to watch lots of people, parents via social media, and sometimes we get into this thing of comparison because we see the dad on Instagram who is, you know, 3:00, we pick up the kids from school and take him skiing every day.

00:06:32:20 - 00:06:49:10
J Hall
Well, that's not really an option for me in Oklahoma, right? That's not a thing we can do. Yeah. Or that I had time to do with my kids were that age. But we see that kind of stuff and think, oh, well, that guy's really got it and I can't do that. So I must be less than somehow. So I think some of that just taking that pressure off.

00:06:49:10 - 00:07:14:13
J Hall
But the other thing is the recognition that as much as we love our kids and as great as we try to be for them, the reality is they're there is a god. There is a perfect father who loves them so much more than we ever can and has such better plans for them than we ever could. Write. The things that he wants to build into their lives and make true for them is so much more than we can really even imagine.

00:07:14:23 - 00:07:45:10
J Hall
And so this idea that, you know, we're we're going to do the very best we can to be the best dad we possibly can. We are going to mess that up. But when we do, there is somebody to fall back on and really shouldn't be. The fallback should be the first. But I think there's encouragement and there is honestly relief in that that I won't have to be perfect because my my girls my boys had had a father who loved them more and was seeking their best.

00:07:45:11 - 00:07:49:04
J Hall
Even when I wasn't having a great day.

00:07:49:08 - 00:07:58:16
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah, I think that's great. And is there a chapter that was like that you would point to as probably the most difficult chapter for you to write?

00:07:59:06 - 00:08:24:05
J Hall
Oh, wow. It's a great question, Matthew. I think probably, you know, it's funny, the first chapter I watched was a chapter of compassion because of the story about my daughter and her blanket and all of that. But to put the rest of that together was harder, probably for me than any other, largely because that's not natural to me.

00:08:24:05 - 00:08:59:23
J Hall
I am not a naturally compassionate person. Hopefully that's being built into my life as as all these things are. So I think probably that one was was maybe more complicated than others because I had to think about it a little differently. And the other challenge, I think now that I've processing through that, the other challenge I think about in that chapter, you know, the end of each chapter has some action steps, some things for dads to do to build these things into their lives, but also some things for them to do with their families to begin to build these these essentials into the lives of their kids.

00:09:00:05 - 00:09:12:22
J Hall
And so thinking about how to help, you know, take an action step with your children, to help them begin to develop compassion and understand what it is that was a little bit tricky to to kind of suss out.

00:09:14:13 - 00:09:46:15
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah, I like how each of the chapters you call it devotionals. So people that have like a religious background having religious devotions maybe turn to scripture for inspiration. Yeah. Reading the word of God, those kinds of things. And then how do you apply those taking that inspiration and how do you apply that looking at like like you said, the perfect father and try to be a better father after his example and stuff.

00:09:46:15 - 00:10:01:10
Matthew Krekeler
So and then looking at different stories from Scripture I think is great. Like there's the prodigal son, which often comes to mind and the way that God shows compassion to his people and and is merciful beyond like human measure. So, yeah.

00:10:02:00 - 00:10:21:23
J Hall
Absolutely. I think it was really important as I was thinking just how to structure the book to do those actionable kinds of things. I, I have read lots of books on lots of things. You have to where it's, here's a ton of information and then you walk away going, okay, that's great. But now what? And the book is short.

00:10:21:23 - 00:10:42:03
J Hall
It is intentionally short because as you know, young dads don't have a ton of time to read. And so it's meant to be short, but it's also meant to be actionable. The goal is that you can read a chapter and walk away from that chapter with two or three things that you can go try that day regardless of, you know, if your kids are infants, it might not work out.

00:10:42:03 - 00:10:54:05
J Hall
But even with young children, really young children, you can spend 30 seconds saying, hey, what are you thankful for today? Right. And it's that simple thing that we can walk away from and just begin to develop that practice of gratitude. Our kids.

00:10:55:20 - 00:11:22:10
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah, it's similar with this podcast too. Like I, I get kind of caught up in the conversation and I like to take a step back and I often edit these podcasts myself, so it gives me an opportunity to re listen to the conversation. And then as I'm doing my outro, I think about those practical steps, like you said, like, how can I actually apply like what I've learned from my guest or different topics that came up?

00:11:22:15 - 00:11:33:23
Matthew Krekeler
And how can I then take that back to my family, back to my kids in the day to day? And so, yeah, I really like that practical application that you give to fathers in your book.

00:11:34:14 - 00:11:35:05
J Hall
Appreciate that.

00:11:36:04 - 00:11:49:21
Matthew Krekeler
And then you alluded to the story with your daughter and the blanket. For those who haven't read the book, could you just kind of summarize that and then maybe share an additional story that that you remember of their time growing up?

00:11:50:17 - 00:12:13:07
J Hall
Oh, so many. So the story of my daughter, her blanket, she's about four years old and one of our friends when she was born gave us this blanket that she loved. I mean, you know, we all of our kids had this constant companion, the thing that they'd take with them everywhere. And over the span of about four years, with a pretty active young lady, it was beginning to fall apart.

00:12:14:01 - 00:12:17:14
Matthew Krekeler
And that's like my daughter's blankets.

00:12:17:14 - 00:12:42:23
J Hall
All we all know. I mean, you can visualize it, right? You can see it because we all have that. I don't remember the thought process that led my wife and I to say, hey, we need to kind of pack that away to keep it special. But we did and decided, okay, we're going to we're going to take this and we're trying to explain to a four year old, hey, we're going to take this most precious thing because we want you to have it forever, which makes no sense to a four year old.

00:12:42:23 - 00:13:02:14
J Hall
And honestly, now at 53, when I'm talking about, I'm like, what were we thinking? And in the book, I acknowledge that we were really dumb when we did it. I think I said a couple of times the story, So Hannah, my older daughter, loses it as we would expect, right? I mean, just and realize that it wasn't like she wasn't mad.

00:13:02:14 - 00:13:25:17
J Hall
She was mourning something that was lost and we didn't know what to do because at that point, we've kind of drawn this line. And had we been smart, we would have just said, okay, we messed up. Here you go. We didn't. And so I had to leave for a while because as I mentioned, you know, when the going gets tough, the tough go to the library to escape.

00:13:27:06 - 00:13:46:08
J Hall
So I left for a little while and just could not stop thinking about her. Could not stop thinking about just, you know, what she was going through. And so I went to a store, found a hello kitty pink monstrosity of a blanket and thought, you know, this is last ditch effort. If this doesn't work, they're going to give her back the baby is what she called it.

00:13:46:14 - 00:14:12:08
J Hall
Atticus, you know, live to fight another day. And for whatever reason, probably because of Hello, Kitty, because of a lot of pink that was okay like that. That substitute worked. And the point is about, you know, this this thing of compassion that we we recognized that, you know, she was in mourning. We recognize that she was hurting in in a way that we didn't anticipate.

00:14:12:16 - 00:14:30:18
J Hall
And because of that, I couldn't not act. And I think that's what compassion looks like, right? When we see somebody hurting, that it impacts us in such a way that we feel like we've got to do something. And so I, I didn't buy the other blanket just to stop her from crying because we could have done that a lot of different ways.

00:14:31:00 - 00:14:47:00
J Hall
But it was what can I do to relieve this pain? Like, how can I help her get past this thing? So, yeah, and that's, it's one of my favorite stories in the book. It's one of our favorite family stories we talk about all the time because again, my daughter, who's now 25, is like, Why did you do that?

00:14:47:07 - 00:14:48:21
J Hall
And there's no good answer to that question.

00:14:50:04 - 00:15:15:18
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah. As a father, we want to give everything to our kids. And I'm so quick to like my daughter's petition something. And like, even if it's not actually possible, like, it's like they want something that we're just physically not able to provide. Like, you still want to make every effort to, like, come and meet that request and like I love that to you.

00:15:15:18 - 00:15:49:04
Matthew Krekeler
Like there is certain things, areas in the Bible where like it talks about like what you ask of your heavenly Father in the same kind of way as a child. Like and just how much like us as fathers, like we want to give that to our kids and the blankie story is hilarious because like we've had many different blankets, but there's always that one blankie that is their blankie and yeah, it was getting to the point where like this one blankie that my daughter had was like, so like it was kind of one of those hand knit blankets.

00:15:49:04 - 00:16:11:11
Matthew Krekeler
So it was like it was just strands eventually and it got like, unsafe because we're like, oh man, she could like wrap this around her and stuff. So yeah, we had to like and trying to do like an exchange and it was, it was tough, but at the same time, like we phrased it as like, okay, here's a gift that mom and Dad are giving you.

00:16:11:21 - 00:16:30:08
Matthew Krekeler
And they were like, even though it was hard and there was that morning for their old blankie in a in a similar way that they had that as a gift. This new blanket was kind of like, Oh, this is like a special blankie that it's not just any blankie, but but mom and dad kind of tried to do that transition in that kind of way.

00:16:31:08 - 00:16:57:09
Matthew Krekeler
But I also want to just shout out, just since the topic of blankets came up, I want to shout out one of my good friends who has a channel, Instagram and all that blessing. I think it's called Blessing of Blankets, which is great. And she gifted this blanket to my daughter when our daughter was like going through some medical things and she had to have a feeding tube at one time.

00:16:57:17 - 00:17:18:02
Matthew Krekeler
And so this was like a very special, like, hand-knit blankie that that our good friend gifted to her. And she does visa's like special. She has like a whole, like, little Etsy shop, but she, she takes great care in these. And to this day, she still has that blankie that she just loves. So yeah, that's such a cool.

00:17:18:02 - 00:17:36:10
J Hall
Set about those, those special things that have have that deeper connection, right? I mean, like you say, you know, this this was a gift from and we do that. I mean, I've got stuff. I'm in my office right now and I have stuff all over the place that really is goofy. But my daughters are my sons gave it to me when they were seven and it was special for them.

00:17:36:10 - 00:17:42:23
J Hall
And so it will stay in my office forever because it was a gift that they they thought was special enough to hand off.

00:17:44:15 - 00:18:09:17
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah. And then you have a chapter two about discipleship. Could you just kind of from your perspective, how would you describe discipleship? How do you foster that in your family? In your kids? Yeah. And then yeah, your kids are older now, so yeah. Any of that that they like that still has stuck with them. Yeah. Now that they're off in the world.

00:18:11:02 - 00:18:39:12
J Hall
I think one of our great tasks as, as parents, you know, in families of faith and I recognize that's on everybody is to help our kids grow in their life with with God through Christ. And so discipleship is just all of those those things, those practices, you know, a disciple is somebody who follows somebody else. So in the book, the story I tell is of my son, who's a literal cowboy out in Colorado, working on a ranch, riding a horse.

00:18:40:03 - 00:18:57:11
J Hall
There's a guy who he has interacted with many times through the years who taught him how to ride, who taught him how to rope. And so the way he does, the things he does, he does like Jim because Jim is the guy that taught him how to do it. He's a disciple, right now. We think about that into a Christian context.

00:18:58:02 - 00:19:17:04
J Hall
We're called to be disciples of Christ, and which means that we're called to live life the way that he lived it. Now, some of that is not terribly possible because it's not first century Palestine, but there are things that we've been called to do and to be that again, God empowers us to do and be. But we we meet halfway.

00:19:17:04 - 00:19:35:22
J Hall
That there is there's work for us to do, reading the Bible and praying and acts of service and all these other things that are part of the life of disciple, that are important for us as dads, as men, but are also important for our kids. And so I think building that into their life comes a couple of ways.

00:19:35:22 - 00:19:54:05
J Hall
One is just modeling it right. My my kids grew up watching me and my wife pray. They grew up watching us read the Bible. They grew up watching the way that we did church and the way that we, you know, just lived our lives and interacted with people. And hopefully, most of the time, we did that in a way that was reflective of who were called to be.

00:19:54:05 - 00:20:12:06
J Hall
We know we're not perfect. But then also, you know, so that modeling but also then just teaching and so you know we we had the time at night where we we got down on our knees with them at their beds. And we spent 30 seconds talking about what do you think before? And sometimes it was really goofy stuff.

00:20:12:06 - 00:20:34:14
J Hall
I remember my son thought it was the funniest thing in the world to thank God for doorknobs. I have no idea why, but he would thank God for doorknobs almost every night. And we just were like, okay, well, great. Yeah, we're glad we have them, because otherwise we'd be stuck in this room. But then there were also the times where he would, you know, even young God, thank you for my teachers or God, thank you that my sister was sick and she's not anymore, you know, so that kind of stuff.

00:20:35:01 - 00:20:50:08
J Hall
So it's giving them the opportunity to begin to practice those things, even at a very young age, even when they may not fully understand what they're doing. So it's, you know, reading the Bible with them, it's praying with them. It is some of the things you talk about in the book. It's serving with them. It's teaching them to be thankful.

00:20:50:08 - 00:21:16:16
J Hall
It's it's having them watch us do those things. And then you asked about as adults, I'm excited to say that all of my kids are still pursuing that life. It looks different in different ways for them. But, you know, all of them are are actively engaged in their faith. Two of my my older two kids are married to incredible people who are also pursuing God in that same way.

00:21:16:16 - 00:21:32:05
J Hall
And so I think probably hopefully there are practices they do things that they incorporate into their regular life that they learned when they were two or three years old in their their rooms here that they watch mom and dad do.

00:21:32:05 - 00:21:46:00
Matthew Krekeler
That's great. Have you always had a firm foundation and faith? Was that like rooted before kids? After kids? Has it developed in any kind of particular way?

00:21:47:01 - 00:22:16:13
J Hall
Well, it absolutely has developed. You know, my so to answer the question, I came to faith as a teenager and and then went to college, pursued a ministry degree, worked in local churches for about 15 years, a professional ministry. So that's kind of background and significant part of my life. I had a friend when he found out that we were having our first child who who said, you're going to understand more about God than you ever thought possible when your child is born.

00:22:16:13 - 00:22:32:23
J Hall
We didn't know if his boy or girl at that point. When your child's born, you're going to say more about God than you ever had ever could. And he was right from a couple of perspectives. One, the, you know, understanding then what it means to give up a child. Some we talk about, you know, the God gave a son what that looks like.

00:22:32:23 - 00:22:52:18
J Hall
But the other thing and I think I wasn't able to appreciate this until I had the second and the third and the fourth. And now I have two kids in law and I have a grandson. But the capacity of our hearts to continue to expand to to to be able to love more humans than we knew that we could.

00:22:53:15 - 00:23:16:08
J Hall
Because when I when we had our first child and we knew our second one was coming, our daughter was coming, there was this moment of concern of, okay, am I going to have the love that I have, you know? So I'm alone. Both equally. But it's going to be, you know, half of what I had capacity for and to to be able to see that continue to blow up.

00:23:16:09 - 00:23:37:07
J Hall
Right. The whole my heart grew three sizes each time the the ability to for our hearts to expand to love more I think is an incredible picture of what God is capable of. That again, again, very different, very human. But at the same time, you know, you hear God loves the world. You're like, man, that's a lot of people.

00:23:37:16 - 00:23:58:00
J Hall
Well, if me being all that I am can find that kind of love for eight people at this point my life, then God could do a whole lot more. So I think having kids, you know, it teaches you to pray a lot more. It teaches you to to be a little more aware sometimes of what you do and say.

00:23:58:00 - 00:24:04:08
J Hall
So it is a great way to grow, grow your faith, I think when we are intentional about being aware of that.

00:24:05:13 - 00:24:33:15
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah, I had a similar experience where my first daughter is born and just holding her in my arms for the first time. I was like, I have never loved someone so much in this moment and just that unconditional love as a father or any parent, just your kid doesn't have to do anything. They don't have to like earn your love or anything and you're just like immediately just captivated by them and you're like, Yeah, there are enough.

00:24:33:21 - 00:24:58:05
Matthew Krekeler
There won't be anything that will surpass this. And then when my second and then my third one was born, it's just amazing. Our hearts capacity to just expand. Like you said, it doesn't become divided. It doesn't have to compete. Like, I hear this often, but it's like anytime people compare, like trying to choose your favorite kid, it's like it's just it's unconquerable.

00:24:58:17 - 00:25:23:12
Matthew Krekeler
And my kids are different and they're different and very unique and wonderful ways. But it's impossible to say, like, my love is only reserved for this certain kid. And you, you just find ways to just expand that and like try to make every effort to be intentional and present with each one of them in unique and powerful ways.

00:25:23:12 - 00:25:26:08
Matthew Krekeler
So yeah, I think that that's such a great gift.

00:25:27:05 - 00:25:42:11
J Hall
What you said there. I think it's is really important point in that that we love each of them different because they are different. And so this idea of, you know, my the way that I express love or demonstrate love to my older daughter is different than the way I express it to my younger daughter, because they're different people.

00:25:43:05 - 00:25:59:02
J Hall
And we both we I have amazing relationships with all my kids, but they're different. They look different. You know, the way that we interact, the way that we talk, the things that we do together, things we're excited about. And I think that's a beautiful thing, right? That that they are unique even from I mean, you mentioned your oldest is four.

00:25:59:06 - 00:26:18:03
J Hall
I mean, even from that point, you're recognizing that there are very clear differences in who your kids are, which means that we get to engage with them as as humans and as different kinds of things. It's not just here's the, you know, stair to steps of our kids are just clowns and we treat them all, whatever, but they're humans.

00:26:18:03 - 00:26:25:01
J Hall
And even when they're little humans, there's still that that part of them that is just fun to discover.

00:26:25:01 - 00:26:38:05
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah. And you have two sons and two daughters. What are unique ways that just your daughters have challenged you since you had a son first? And how did your world change when your daughter was born?

00:26:39:07 - 00:27:09:12
J Hall
So the most immediate change in my world, my daughter was born is that pink explode added in my house. I am one of three brothers. My mom was an only child so there had not been a female child in my family for a couple of generations. And so literally within minutes of my mom finding out that my daughter was here and that everybody was okay, she was down the road shopping because we didn't know what any of our kids were except adopt a child in advance.

00:27:10:09 - 00:27:32:23
J Hall
And so what she found out there was a girl in the family. Everything pink in the store came back to the hospital for for Hannah. So the big immediate thing was that suddenly my world became a lot more pink than it ever had been. I think, you know, it's interesting, we think about girls as more emotional, and I don't think that's true.

00:27:32:23 - 00:27:56:04
J Hall
I think girls and women are allowed to express emotion more than boys and men are. And so one of the things that I had to adapt to as my girls grew up was that expression of emotion. I knew, you know, my boys were hurting. I knew when there was something going on that was was bothering them. But it expressed itself differently.

00:27:56:04 - 00:28:21:08
J Hall
And my wife is not a terribly emotional person. And so to have these small humans in my house who were very emotional and and to not diminish that, like trying to celebrate that and recognize that, but not hold it up as this high thing, you know, we've got to emote to the nth degree every chance we possibly have.

00:28:21:08 - 00:28:47:09
J Hall
So kind of finding that balance and helping them navigate that balance, especially as they got a little older. And emotions get real complicated because they they're not as in control of them. None of us are during that period. Yeah, but I think because it's okay socially for women to express those more overtly as dads, we get to try to figure out how to navigate and and help walk with them through that.

00:28:48:11 - 00:29:01:11
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah. Was there a certain age period maybe that like you particularly remember like has a special fondness as they were growing up?

00:29:01:11 - 00:29:40:23
J Hall
I guess is a hard question, Matthew, because they're all so fun even now. I mean it's fun watching them adult. That's kind of funny sometimes to watch them adult but it's awesome to watch them go through this stage in life. I think probably, you know, there's that span of time from like 9 to 11 or 12 when they are really starting to become in terms of personality and interest, who they're going to be, but at the same time still have that that kid in them so that those tween years where they're they're working towards adolescence, but they're not quite there yet.

00:29:40:23 - 00:30:01:13
J Hall
So there's some exploration in those areas and they're trying to develop a unique identity and try to sort out who they are. But at the same time, they they come back to that dependance on mom and dad. They come back to, you know, Daddy's still pretty cool, which goes away for a little while. I think it comes back they tell me comes back so I'm going to go with it.

00:30:02:04 - 00:30:27:07
J Hall
But I just I, that's also the time period where with both of my girls, I found things that we could share in common that kind of helped us navigate teenage hood. And even now that they're they're young adults, there's still things that we hold in common that we can enjoy together. And I think it was that period of time when they were beginning to figure out who they were that allowed those things to begin to emerge.

00:30:27:07 - 00:30:39:10
J Hall
So, yeah, if you had to pay me down and you did, I think kind of those teen years before they become teenagers is probably the one to look back on and see as the beginning of a lot of things that are still true today.

00:30:40:16 - 00:30:58:13
Matthew Krekeler
That's great. Is there a particular thing that like you bond over like and yeah, maybe it's a hobby or like a special like dad daughter date that you did frequently or something like that that yeah, they have that special bond.

00:30:59:02 - 00:31:22:19
J Hall
So my older daughter is an author and she has been a reader her whole life. And, and I am a voracious reader. You can see the shelves behind me that are not organized in any way, shape or form. And so we have always bonded over books. So about, gosh, maybe not once a month, once every six, eight weeks, she and I would just go to a bookstore together.

00:31:23:04 - 00:31:38:01
J Hall
And even when she was, you know, ten or 12 and this went on even as she became a teenager, we would talk about books that we liked. I would point out things that I thought were really cool. I would point out things that I remembered from as a younger reader, and we would always walk away with at least one.

00:31:38:04 - 00:32:00:10
J Hall
She would bring what? She would buy one, I would buy one. And today so that's lots of years later, we still share that. We released books at almost the same time, so we got to do some like book signing stuff together, which was really cool and fun. And we also on my podcast once a month, she and I get together with the guests and we talk about books and just what we're reading and why we're into it.

00:32:01:09 - 00:32:26:14
J Hall
And so it's just this thing that we started bonding over very early and continue to do that. My other daughter, my younger daughter, it's Marvel and Star Wars. She loves that stuff. She always has. So, you know, we got every movie that came out. We tried to get as close to the premiere as we could. And some of the big ones, we we managed to get tickets to premieres and and even now, you know, she's a little bit too cool for some of that stuff.

00:32:27:03 - 00:32:43:07
J Hall
But but it's still, you know, there's another one coming out in a few weeks and we will be there because that's just that's our thing. That's what we do. And the other thing that's happened in your kids are too young for this and you might want to be thankful for it. The other thing we bought over now is Taylor Swift.

00:32:44:08 - 00:33:06:12
J Hall
My daughters are both massive swifties and I am enough of a music fan to be able to appreciate her as a musician and as a cultural, you know, icon and things like that. So any time a new album comes out, I have to they expect me by the end of the release day to have texted them with my thoughts and all of the songs.

00:33:07:10 - 00:33:23:21
J Hall
So that's a relief. But it is definitely a point of bonding and and I love it. I mean, that's not the music I would necessarily pursue all the time, but I love having that connection with them to be able to talk about it. But they're into that's awesome.

00:33:23:21 - 00:33:26:08
Matthew Krekeler
So yeah. So you're a swift dad, can I say that?

00:33:27:00 - 00:33:31:11
J Hall
Yes. Please don't tell them. And listening. You didn't hear.

00:33:31:11 - 00:33:32:16
Matthew Krekeler
Anything. It's on the podcast.

00:33:32:16 - 00:33:39:09
J Hall
So that's out there for the world. That's awesome. They accused me of being a swifty, so I'll. We'll just go with it.

00:33:39:09 - 00:34:02:11
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah. No, I think she's amazing and like, yeah, yeah, good for her for like, all of like the positive values being a great role model for young girls and women and everything. And my wife, I remember like when we were, I think we were probably in high school at the time, but like she released like a new album and we like had to go to the store and buy the CD.

00:34:03:00 - 00:34:26:16
Matthew Krekeler
And back then like our cars had CD player and stuff. So yeah, so but our, our kids are kind of a little bit too young to be like kind of caught up in like the whole swifty craze. But they definitely listen to the songs, but they'll listen to anything like that. But yeah, we definitely have dance parties and stuff, which is really fun, but awesome.

00:34:26:16 - 00:34:41:12
Matthew Krekeler
And then I also wanted to ask, I know we're getting close to time, but was there like a particularly challenging time as a parent that you remember and how did you kind of see your way through that?

00:34:41:12 - 00:35:07:19
J Hall
You know, all I was thinking about this, all four of my kids at some point during their high school years had a significant heartbreak. And it wasn't like a boyfriend girlfriend thing. It was like a this is my dream and now this isn't going to happen. But they were awful were athletes. So there were some injuries. There were some, you know, just didn't make the varsity team when they thought they were going to.

00:35:08:06 - 00:35:44:14
J Hall
And and that's really, really tough, right? Because you you want the best for your kids and you want them to you want them to succeed, not for the sake of success, but for the sake of them accomplishing the things that they dream about. Right. And and so for all four of those and they were all four different enough to make it hard to figure out how to navigate each one, but helping them reconcile what they had hoped would be with what is and what happened without trying to explain it.

00:35:45:05 - 00:36:05:06
J Hall
You know, because, again, I'm a teacher. My my default. Well, here's what's going on. And to try to explain and solve. And, you know, when I'm looking at my my 14 year old daughter who is now facing her fourth elbow surgery and is not going to be able to do gymnastics anymore, which is her dream of going to college and all this knowing that that's coming.

00:36:05:06 - 00:36:27:18
J Hall
She doesn't need me to explain anything, right? Like the structure of the elbow. This is not the time for that anatomy lesson. And so just sitting with them and and helping them navigate and loving them and shutting up and just letting them feel how they were going to feel about it and not saying, no, no, no, you shouldn't be mad or you shouldn't be this, you should be whatever.

00:36:28:10 - 00:36:58:19
J Hall
But to let them feel how they were going to feel and then help them navigate those feelings as they went. And as hard as each of those moments were, I look at my kids now and those things, whatever that thing was that that they were hurt about has become a part of who they are. And they have demonstrated incredible resiliency and incredible ability to take what was painful and turn it into something amazing or something beautiful.

00:36:58:19 - 00:37:20:01
J Hall
So my daughter that I mentioned, who had four, she had Tommy John surgery on both arms. I mean, that's that's insane for a teenage girl. Stay safe for anybody. But especially for for a young girl. She is now in college working towards physical therapy because her physical therapist during those times were so significant to her that she wanted to be able to do that.

00:37:20:01 - 00:37:42:10
J Hall
And she wants to help young athletes recover the way that she was able to. And yeah, so it's those kinds of things to just watch them. And on the one hand, it's amazing to see how resilient they really are because we we sometimes think our kids are fragile and they're tough. Like they're they're tough creatures. Yeah. But also just the challenge of helping walk through them when you want to fix everything.

00:37:42:10 - 00:37:56:13
J Hall
Because as dads, we feel like that's what we're supposed be able to do with some sort of fix this. And I can't fix elbows and I can't fix not making the team and I can't fix some of that stuff. So yeah, tough but but then beautiful on the other side of it. And I think that's that's grace, right.

00:37:56:17 - 00:38:02:15
J Hall
The ability to to walk through these things and see the good on the other side of it. Once you get to the other side of it.

00:38:03:15 - 00:38:25:10
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah, that's a great lesson and a challenge, I think for men and dads in particular who want to just fix things or like my wife will want to tell me about something hard, like in her day and immediately I'm like trying to think of solutions or something and like sometimes solutions are nice, but sometimes what's just required is just to listen.

00:38:25:16 - 00:38:30:20
Matthew Krekeler
And that's kind of the hardest thing for me to do is to shut my mouth and I need to learn that more often.

00:38:31:09 - 00:38:47:11
J Hall
The running joke in my family that my dad, anytime he hears anything that, you know, is a challenge, the first words out of his mouth is, Well, you know what you ought to do. And then whether it's tough or not. But that's that's his default response. He's a fixer and he's a problem solver. And so there's a problem.

00:38:47:11 - 00:38:48:06
J Hall
This is how you fix it.

00:38:49:08 - 00:39:15:10
Matthew Krekeler
Yeah, but I also want to shout out this great children's book. We we read this book with our kids called The Rabbit Listened. And it's really great because it's just about this little kid and they're trying to build this tower. And along the way, the tower just crumbles and all of the animals come and the bear gets mad and the ostrich just wants to hide and the elephant just wants to fix it.

00:39:15:22 - 00:39:42:18
Matthew Krekeler
And along the way, this rabbit just comes out and just sits with the little kid, and the rabbit listened and and that's kind of the lesson of the story is sometimes you don't need all these different reactions to something. Sometimes all someone really needs is just you to be present with them going through that hard time. And then eventually the boy like goes through those processes.

00:39:42:22 - 00:40:07:23
Matthew Krekeler
It's either a boy or a girl, but like the little kid, like, goes through the processes themselves. And eventually they're able to get to the point where like they come up with a solution that they want and eventually they get to the point where they're inspired to rebuild, which is really great. So yeah, I really recommend that book for any parents out there that have young kids, it's called The Rabbit Listened.

00:40:08:21 - 00:40:18:10
Matthew Krekeler
And yet to your point, I think that that's so great sometimes, especially as fathers get less than two, remember that sometimes our kids just need us to just be present.

00:40:18:18 - 00:40:25:07
J Hall
To show up and sit there. Yeah. And it's hard. It is hard to do.

00:40:25:07 - 00:40:43:04
Matthew Krekeler
Now, in the last couple of minutes, my final question and I, I ask all my dad's this at the end of the episode, but I want to give you the floor. Pretend that your daughters are listening to this right now and just give a special message to them. Anything you want to share but directly to them.

00:40:43:17 - 00:41:13:10
J Hall
Yeah. Wow. So, Hannah, Rebecca, first of all, I am insanely proud of who you are and who you are becoming. And it is one of the great joys of my existence to watch that process. And I think if I could remind you of one thing, it would be that you are who you are on purpose. God didn't mess up when He made you.

00:41:13:10 - 00:41:40:06
J Hall
Even with the things that you think might be things that are messed up, that there is a there's a purpose to your life and you are uniquely created and gifted to live out that purpose by a God who dearly and desperately loves you more than I even can. And that that second, Peter one three is true. He he will give you everything you need to live the life that he's called you to, and you are who you are.

00:41:40:06 - 00:41:50:11
J Hall
Because there are people in the world that need you to be that. So so do that and trust that. And and, man, I love you guys. I think you're awesome.

00:41:50:11 - 00:42:02:07
Matthew Krekeler
Thank you, James. Thank you so much for sharing. This is a pleasure having you on the podcast. Yeah. And I encourage everyone to check out your book. God Help Me. I'm a young dad tell people where to get the book.

00:42:03:06 - 00:42:20:22
J Hall
So it's available on Amazon. And just if you search, don't search J. Hall because it's just a letter J and you'll get all kinds of crazy stuff. But if you search, God help me. I'm a young dad, it'll go right there. You can also go to my website, J Hall writer, and that's wri tr ecom. It'll link directly there.

00:42:20:22 - 00:42:43:10
J Hall
And also if you're interested, if you are a part of a men's Bible study or, you know, church that that provides these kind of things for your your folks. We do bulk stuff. So if you want to buy a bunch of books, then I'm happy to work with with folks to make that happen. But yeah J Hall right economy you go to Amazon and and pick it up there and if you read it and it's it's significant.

00:42:43:10 - 00:42:44:15
J Hall
I would love to hear from you.

00:42:46:02 - 00:43:13:18
Matthew Krekeler
Great. Thanks. And thank you to all you listeners and Girl Dad Nation. I encourage you to follow me on Instagram. That's @GirlDadNation. You can also send me a direct email to you. GirlDadNationPodcast@gmail.com. I love hearing from listeners sharing your stories, inspiration, tips and yeah, possible guest appearances and stuff too. I was great having J reach out to me, get to talk about Dad stuff and be inspired by his book.

00:43:14:14 - 00:43:32:08
Matthew Krekeler
So all of those things and until next time, there is no greater joy than being a dad.